batsybeth: (LSP)
A lot has happened since the last post - when I clicked to start a new post, I saw that the last thing on auto-save was half a post about one of my favourite movies Kamikaze Girls. I was really enthusiastic and going into an over-detailed explanation about the first half of the movie, but I decided to chuck it because I lacked the energy to complete the post for the time being (although I might try again in the future).

I remember that I was also going to do a post about the death of Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) until I got too sad to get started and just listened to Waiting For the End on a loop for ages. Essentially I'm shit at motivating myself to start writing and worse of all finishing what I started - which feeds into the next time I want to start writing, but put it off from the fact that I didn't finish all the previous times that I started writing before >_>

So yeah, I've been slipping into the same habit of not-writing that I had on Livejournal before I deleted my accounts. I kind of miss LJ, although I certainly wouldn't have gone through the same efforts as a lot of people on DW went through when transferring their contents to here from LJ - mostly because my writing was crappy with about 12 years of moody teen, slight obsession with House MD, even MORE obsession with anime (biggest being CLAMP and Naruto - mostly Naruto tbh), 'Randomness LOL' and so much drama that i don't want to look back on. Also I remember writing a very sleep-deprived post during the time I was at uni which focused on the theme of anus' throughout Shakespeare's work which I'm pretty certain weirded out all but one follower from ever commenting on my posts again haha. It's mostly the communities and ONTD for movies, book rec posts (oh LGBT book rec posts I will miss you the most) and music - although to be honest I slowly stopped going on there because people seemed to get nastier than usual on there, which eventually got off-putting and to a point where I stopped checking daily. I should really explore what comms are available on DW.
There's a few that I joined, but I get a bit comment-shy at times with the over-bearing feeling that I'm going to screw up whatever I say to a point where I write nothing at all. I've been meaning to join and post to one of those friending communities, but all I have to offer if boring posts and sparse updates while I lurk frequently online like a ghostly invisible gremlin - guess I'll keep working on changing my habits as per usual \o/

Meanwhile, I've been stressing out so much and feeling so left-to-my-own devices when it comes to my shitty mental health that I've managed to stress my body and get sick. I've got a touch of tonsillitis that I think might be going down with any luck and a lot of hot tea, plus it seems like I'm forever achy everywhere and never sleeping right (getting 3 hours - 5 hours of sleep per night and sometimes getting 7 hours when I'm not a mess). I'm trying to calm down more often but it's so hard to unwind at the moment :( at least I got a whole load of youtube videos on my subscription to get through so maybe hours of videos and porridge might help \o/
batsybeth: (Greg otgw)
After a rise in memes surrounding the Babadook as a gay icon, I had gotten curious about the actual movie despite not being the biggest fan of horror. Normally I prefer monster-horror with a few exceptions that either have a really good plot or isn't too gory to watch (I can stand gore if there's a good story, but films that glorifies the gore more than actually telling a story make me feel gross).

I also tend to avoid modern ghost-horror movies because I get easily paranoid if I watch a movie that gets to me so easily, like those realistic ghosts caught-on-tape-doing-demonic-shit... the best example for me being Paranormal Activity 3. When I saw it at the cinema with friends, I actually had a good time watching it and wasn't actually scared by the movie itself. However, I couldn't sleep for three days after seeing that film because my house creaks and makes noises at all hours of the night, plus my stupid brain kept thinking 'Oh shit demons. We've somehow pissed off demons and now they'll kill us in our sleep' and despite trying to reassure myself with facts and reasons - I couldn't stop giving myself a bad case of anxieties over something really really stupid. I certainly knew that I couldn't tell anyone how over-upset I got over a really dumb movie, because people will tell me that it's just a movie. Surprise surprise, I know that - you know that - but my brain being the left-over moldy walnut from god's brains-basket is being a shit and just assuming that every noise is now murderous demons. The only thing that got me over it was to remind myself that no one has ever died in this house and that no one in my family has made a deal with the devil. I got over it, but hoo whee do I still feel stupid about that.

Which is ridiculous because I do like a horror when it's done right, I just can't enjoy anything too realistic because my head insists on being like THAT.
And that kids is why I can't watch ghost horror films :D

Except the Babadook apparently lol.

So, getting back on topic, I went over to my friend's place and we watched it together expecting cheesy horror hilarity and trying to find the 'gay themes' between us two queers. Jeez, there was no hilarity.

Although we got through the movie joking randomly at scenes and going 'WTF???' at both the mother and child ("she's on the weird side of youtube via her tv", "Do not tell me the Babadook was a tooth ache this whole damn time!" and going from hating the creepy kid to fearing for the creepy kid when things went to nightmare land), I thought the last part of the movie was really well done even though it wasn't at all what I expected. My friend absolutely hated it lol - although we both agreed that the best characters were the dog and the sweet old lady living next door - which would have possibly destroyed us if anything happened to her :'D
Even though it didn't affect me while I was watching the movie, thinking about The Babadook afterwards while I was sitting on the train to go back home started to depress the fuck out of me. Of course it would hit me well after I saw it because that's what I'm like, thanks brain.
The themes for depression and grief were very strong, which hit me really hard thinking about the mum in the latter part of the film. The Babadook himself wasn't really that scary, but the mother - or rather her actions - 'scared' me more than the monster, as well as making me feel weirdly emotional about her.

I'm glad that I watched it, but it's not something that I would want to see again.
batsybeth: (Panda)
I tend to bounce about when it comes down to mental illness - like some kind of seesaw going up with anxiety and crashing down with depression. In more recent times in the middle of doing the schema therapy trial (before I quit the trial in 2016) I started getting outbursts of anger more and more often. Thankfully I have been able to hide my outbursts without taking it out on someone so far, but it still sucks when they do happen.
And be it anxiety, a crying fit or anger - they all take up so much energy before I come crashing down and start to feel sad or numb; somehow even both sometimes.

Hence the blue mood - or internal muddy molasses waters... perhaps blue mood works better.

I know that ever since I've been feeling like crap in the sad-sense, I've been repeatedly listening between two songs over and over.

Music by Allie X and Evanescence... it's gonna be a party woo. )

Maybe I should try listening to something happier for a bit, like the Moana soundtrack or something.
Or I could go back to doing what I was already doing before I started this post and go back to listening to these two songs some more.

batsybeth: (Greg otgw)
On other sites like Tumblr and Deviantart, I've drawn a whole lot of fanart in my time. According to Deviantart I have been posting my drawings on there for nearly 10 years now, and even then I had been drawing fanart long long before then - posting my early monstrosities on the site-builder website Angelfire, which mostly consisted horrible chibi-style fanart of shows like The Young Ones, Red Dwarf and House MD.

House MD was a particular obsession of mine at the time right next to my then new-found love of manga which gave me 'inspiration' for my drawing style back then - oh god they were awful. 14 year old me even made the mistake of posting some of my drawings on the Livejournal House community and had only taken two days for everyone to rip on how terrible it all was. However, my response at the time was a bit odd - I had thought that I had offended everyone with my work and decided to take down the post and write an apology post to the comm to say how sorry I was for posting my work and that I won't post any art stuff until I get better at drawing (which I never did lol).
The response was actually a lot nicer than I expected. One half were commenting on how everyone's attitude had changed for the worst in the community and telling me that I had no reason to apologize for anything, whereas the other half were surprisingly people admitting that they were one of the people who had made fun of my crap work and actually apologized for making me feel so unwelcome at the community. I certainly didn't expect things to turn out that way, but I'm glad that they did because I'm pretty sure that I might have stopped bothering with fanworks in fear of being too untalented to contribute with anything... not that I would blame them to be honest ha ha :'D

Even if they were terrible, I'm a bit sad to say that most of the comics I had on Angelfire have been long-lost alongside the various 'shrines' I had for my first fandom X-men Evolution (Jiminey Cricket I'm bloody old ._.) The only evidence I have of ever drawing terrible chibi-style House fanart is a Livejournal icon I made for myself way back then of Dr Foreman.

Ah yes. True talent.

I can't remember much on how I came across Deviantart - although I'm pretty certain it was the same way I found out about fanfiction sites and LJ; through a now-deleted forum called Extreme Evolution, an X-men Evolution fansite. However, apparently I decided that it would be a great idea to upload some of my cringey Red Dwarf comics onto DA in 2007 - which thankfully didn't end in tears and for some unknown reason got a few positive responses.
However, instead of continuing to draw fan works for Red Dwarf and House MD - I pretty much jumped into my first two major fandoms that got the ball rolling for my god-awful Anime phase that lasted for the entirety of my teens and early 20s, particularly focused on the the works of CLAMP (xxxHolic, X and Tokyo Babylon mostly) and Naruto. Jeez, I was into Naruto for the longest time ._. I still watch anime now, because I love animation in general and there are some good shows out there - but I've definitely calmed down a lot since then.
In addition, I recently had a clear-out of works that were too ugly to stay on DA or were just plain fucked-up... and there was A LOT  of fucked up ones on there (there's actually a few more files I need to go through >_> fun). Teen me either needed hugs or a slapped to the face - possibly both.

I feel like if I ever come back to this topic that I'll make a post about my time on Deviantart (even though I'm still posting stuff on there like a huge nerd with nothing better to do~)

batsybeth: (Daria)
Wow, four years since the first and last update >_> I thought it was about time I wrote something here, especially since I have been coming onto this site for a long time as a lurker.

Like many others recently I have left Livejournal, previously going by Batsublue and my older account Batty_Angel (you may or may not notice a bat-theme in most of my usernames - basically I am my own batman joke). I have to admit, I was falling into the same habit of not-writing anything on Livejournal for long periods of time - mostly because I've been going through a weird kind of anxiety about posting anything up online, which I hope I can overcome in time because I honestly miss writing. Because of a lack of practice and general laziness, I'm pretty sure that my grammar and punctuation has suffered greatly. Hopefully it's another thing I can attempt getting the knack of again with enough dedication and determination - so here's hoping :)
batsybeth: (Chobits)

With any luck, I'll be keeping myself busy with this blog in future. If I am successful in sticking with this I'll be writing up all kinds of reviews and personal thoughts on one thing or another.

I also thought I'd start an account on DW so I could keep all my writings organised for Tumblr.

In this mean time this is just a test blog :)


batsybeth: (Default)

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