batsybeth: (LSP)
A lot has happened since the last post - when I clicked to start a new post, I saw that the last thing on auto-save was half a post about one of my favourite movies Kamikaze Girls. I was really enthusiastic and going into an over-detailed explanation about the first half of the movie, but I decided to chuck it because I lacked the energy to complete the post for the time being (although I might try again in the future).

I remember that I was also going to do a post about the death of Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) until I got too sad to get started and just listened to Waiting For the End on a loop for ages. Essentially I'm shit at motivating myself to start writing and worse of all finishing what I started - which feeds into the next time I want to start writing, but put it off from the fact that I didn't finish all the previous times that I started writing before >_>

So yeah, I've been slipping into the same habit of not-writing that I had on Livejournal before I deleted my accounts. I kind of miss LJ, although I certainly wouldn't have gone through the same efforts as a lot of people on DW went through when transferring their contents to here from LJ - mostly because my writing was crappy with about 12 years of moody teen, slight obsession with House MD, even MORE obsession with anime (biggest being CLAMP and Naruto - mostly Naruto tbh), 'Randomness LOL' and so much drama that i don't want to look back on. Also I remember writing a very sleep-deprived post during the time I was at uni which focused on the theme of anus' throughout Shakespeare's work which I'm pretty certain weirded out all but one follower from ever commenting on my posts again haha. It's mostly the communities and ONTD for movies, book rec posts (oh LGBT book rec posts I will miss you the most) and music - although to be honest I slowly stopped going on there because people seemed to get nastier than usual on there, which eventually got off-putting and to a point where I stopped checking daily. I should really explore what comms are available on DW.
There's a few that I joined, but I get a bit comment-shy at times with the over-bearing feeling that I'm going to screw up whatever I say to a point where I write nothing at all. I've been meaning to join and post to one of those friending communities, but all I have to offer if boring posts and sparse updates while I lurk frequently online like a ghostly invisible gremlin - guess I'll keep working on changing my habits as per usual \o/

Meanwhile, I've been stressing out so much and feeling so left-to-my-own devices when it comes to my shitty mental health that I've managed to stress my body and get sick. I've got a touch of tonsillitis that I think might be going down with any luck and a lot of hot tea, plus it seems like I'm forever achy everywhere and never sleeping right (getting 3 hours - 5 hours of sleep per night and sometimes getting 7 hours when I'm not a mess). I'm trying to calm down more often but it's so hard to unwind at the moment :( at least I got a whole load of youtube videos on my subscription to get through so maybe hours of videos and porridge might help \o/
batsybeth: (Panda)
I tend to bounce about when it comes down to mental illness - like some kind of seesaw going up with anxiety and crashing down with depression. In more recent times in the middle of doing the schema therapy trial (before I quit the trial in 2016) I started getting outbursts of anger more and more often. Thankfully I have been able to hide my outbursts without taking it out on someone so far, but it still sucks when they do happen.
And be it anxiety, a crying fit or anger - they all take up so much energy before I come crashing down and start to feel sad or numb; somehow even both sometimes.

Hence the blue mood - or internal muddy molasses waters... perhaps blue mood works better.

I know that ever since I've been feeling like crap in the sad-sense, I've been repeatedly listening between two songs over and over.

Music by Allie X and Evanescence... it's gonna be a party woo. )

Maybe I should try listening to something happier for a bit, like the Moana soundtrack or something.
Or I could go back to doing what I was already doing before I started this post and go back to listening to these two songs some more.








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batsybeth

September 2017

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