batsybeth: (Panda)
[personal profile] batsybeth
I tend to bounce about when it comes down to mental illness - like some kind of seesaw going up with anxiety and crashing down with depression. In more recent times in the middle of doing the schema therapy trial (before I quit the trial in 2016) I started getting outbursts of anger more and more often. Thankfully I have been able to hide my outbursts without taking it out on someone so far, but it still sucks when they do happen.
And be it anxiety, a crying fit or anger - they all take up so much energy before I come crashing down and start to feel sad or numb; somehow even both sometimes.

Hence the blue mood - or internal muddy molasses waters... perhaps blue mood works better.

I know that ever since I've been feeling like crap in the sad-sense, I've been repeatedly listening between two songs over and over.

Need You - Allie X

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone

Jeez is it the early 2000s? I know it's bad when I revert back to my angsty teen taste in music >_> it probably didn't help that I was going through some old cds recently and came across Evanescence's first album before I started to feel down. For whatever reason, this is the song that my brain chose to repeat constantly at random times.
The band's very early work is very melancholic and quiet compared to their later works - from Fallen and onward. It's calming and sad to listen to, which can either increase the sadness or perpetuate at the level of sadness it's already going at.

Maybe I should try listening to something happier for a bit, like the Moana soundtrack or something.
Or I could go back to doing what I was already doing before I started this post and go back to listening to these two songs some more.

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